Category: Writing

It’s that time of year again! After skipping 2022 (apologies), here are 10 Dark Aesthetic items to feed our spooky souls. Each of these items is available from Ikea US (not sponsored) and will complement the previous collection.

1. OBEGRÄNSAD Black Fur Rug

Source: https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/obegraensad-rug-black-50525345/

What says, “I’ve got issues I’m not willing to speak about so you have to make assumptions” like a black faux fur rug? This unique item, designed in a collab with Swedish House Mafia, will be soft on your feet until the faux fur mats together or you decide to try and put it through the washing machine and dryer. For maintenance of this spooky item, please consider having a brush set aside to keep it looking freshly shorn from the goth muppet from whence it came.

2. Koldby

Source: https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/koldby-cowhide-black-60222932/

What says, “I have issues I am absolutely willing to talk about so I can clear up your assumptions” like a real fur rug? This cowhide rug, available in both Black Angus and Jersey varieties says that you’re willing to walk on the skins of the slaughtered like the power hungry dark warlord you are. And think, every time you’re walking on it, you can hear a faint “moo.” Because really, what has a darker aesthetic than literal death?

3. Vonsbäk

Source: https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/vonsbaek-rug-low-pile-dark-blue-40528882/

Are you looking for a bit more sophisticated and mature floor covering that says, “I’ve either resolved or repressed my issues enough, but still like to keep it dark”? Ikea was thinking of you with the Vonsbäk rug. It manages to keep the general motif of the thousands of years traditional rugs that have existed while improving upon the buyers guilt that sets in around the time your black cat, Persephone, vomits all over it.

With an easy to vacuum low pile, this is perfect for the individual with the low maintenance dark aesthetic that likes cooler blacks (as opposed to warmer). If you don’t understand the difference, please seek a Gen X Elder Goth to explain, dear Baby Bat.

4. Klokhet

Source: https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/klokhet-unscented-candle-black-20519925/

Regardless of your choice of candlestick holder, few things are more essential than the black candle to put in it. These unscented black candles accentuate the flame atop them, and provide a level of sophistication to your carefully curated home. Even if it’s not a virgin lighting them, these candles will provide you with a spooky ambiance that is sure to make guests question your purity.

As for the potential candle holders? The ones pictured are the Fulltalig line. And if you need a way to snuff out those candles should you have limited desire for summoning a smoke monster, take a look at the Körsbästräd snuffer.

5. Lindrande

source: https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/lindrande-decoration-leaf-black-70431138/

Do you have a desire to have something minimally plant like, but still black in your space? Do you want to make sure no one confuses you for having a green thumb and would rather mount a fake leaf like a hunting trophy to display? Then the Lindrande is for you! This black display leaf will add that cold huntress of plants vibe to any space and may provide an appropriate threat to other plants in your living space should you have them. If you’re looking to fool people into thinking you have a green thumb may I recommend the Åkerbär display case that looks enough like a greenhouse you can fill it with fake plants and no one will be the wiser… unless they pick up your ceramic cactus.

If you like the concept of the Lindrande but want something wall mountable, check out the Vättlösa.

6. Chilistrån

Source: https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/chilistran-hanging-planter-indoor-outdoor-black-20511825/

Do you want your plants to look like medieval prisoners hanging in your windows or from your ceiling? Then Ikea has a great option for you! Perfect for forcing any plant to subject to your will by depriving it of access to the mycelium networks of the world, this hanging planter is sure to be a show stopper at your next gathering! Not only will you isolate your plant from being able to use chemo-physical communication methods, you will also keep it up out of reach of Persephone as to not upset her tummy. Don’t be surprised if she tries to play with it like a pendulum though!

7. Pjätteryd

source: https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/pjaetteryd-picture-low-flying-cloud-60533175/

Do you have a problem with being stalked by mysterious clouds, but every time you bring up this problem someone calls you crazy? Do you need a way to subtly communicate that you are being stalked by sentient collections of water vapor that may or may not be controlled by some unseeable force? Do you want to make sure your communication method matches your decor as to not tip off any stalking clouds that you’re on to them? Ikea has a solution for you! Captured by photographer Tom Fabia, a victim like yourself, you now can display proof that you too are being stalked by clouds. Are these a cry for help or simply a conversation piece for your support group for other cloud stalking victims? The choice is yours!

8. ädelsten

source: https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/aedelsten-mortar-and-pestel-marble-black-60201251/

Do you need a mortar and pestle for your various potions (or everyday cooking)? Do you want it to look nothing like the generic white marble and ceramic ones everyone else has? Well you’re in luck! Ikea was thinking of your spooky soul when designing this double sided, versatile piece great for witches and chefs alike. Whether you’re eating children or simply making a nice catnip seasoned pate for Persephone, this is the mortar and pestle for you!

9. Bild

source: https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/bild-poster-3d-scanning-30533105/

Are you or someone you love trying to find ways to show off your cyber goth edge? Do you believe that everything is a simulation? Well, Ikea has some wall art for you! Images by Fari Strachan, these posters provide the perfect backdrop to your conversations about the Matrix and existence of parallel universes due to a digital metaverse with less than benevolent overlords. The nondescript features of this digital head that lacks cohesive eyes with which to watch everyone at your party will be a perfect edition to your spooky home if you want more of that tech vibe.

10. Obegränsad Clock

source: https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/obegraensad-clock-usb-black-70526589/

Do you want something on your wall that vaguely moves with the time of day, but is not actually useful as a clock? Do you want to impress your friends with a strangely moving art piece that cannot help you get to work on time? Do you want your home to exist in a strange time dilation compared to the rest of the world because no one will ever actually know what time it is? Then Ikea has the clock for you! This insult to clocks everywhere, better known as a vaguely clock like wall art piece, will offend anyone who cares what time it is. If you want to compose a real world mysterious, mind-bending atmosphere that will support your spooky soul, then this is definitely the piece for you! According to reviews, be sure to check on the adhesive associated with the front glass panel as this could be a regular part of maintenance, much like the rest of our darkly aesthetic lives.

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Did you enjoy this take on Ikea products? Would you like to see a different aesthetic examined? Leave a comment and I will produce a similar piece accordingly.